Preliminary response to forthcoming IPCC update

Due to the forthcoming update to the IPCC report and the new details emerging about the validity of the models used we feel compelled to release the latest data from our research into PGCC (Phantasmagorical global climate change). Over the last few minutes a team of experts* have been working tirelessly to address a much neglected but we feel significant factor missed from most “standard” models of climate change. The factor is of course the impact of phantasmagorical effects on global climate change. Diligent review of existent papers shows these factors to have been entirely neglected despite the considerable impact our models show them to have on both global and local climates. Building on previously published work regarding the impact of common livestock and methane release and based on the methods used by the standard IPCC models we investigated the impact of phantasmagorical beasts upon global climate, the localised effects being already well documented. For the purposes of our initial research we considered only two factors for our model though we believe these to be the most significant and removing either from our model resulted in a poor match against observed data, we were also unable to achieve the same level of certainty by including any other factors. We can therefore state with a high degree of confidence that the most significant factors, that have hither too been over looked in standard climate change models, are Dragons and Unicorns.

The variation in climate change shows a strong correlation to the global populations of both of these well documented creatures. Whilst Unicorns do contribute to global warming by methane release, this effect is significantly smaller than that caused by Dragons. The effects of multiple Dragons were extensively modeled using Skyrim which demonstrated the devastating effects of dragons on local vegetation, and clearly showed the strong exothermic affects associated with these creatures. The climate effects of Unicorn methane release is less well documented, but empirical research comparing other mammalian methane release with mundane sources of fire were used once adjusted as a reliable proxy as direct measurement was not possible.

The complex interplay between the populations of these two creatures provides a sound explanation for observed data, as Unicorn populations grow the number of viable Dragon populations also increases. Given a limitless supply of Unicorns the ever growing Dragon population would result in catastrophic global warming, however the variation in the breeding cycles of these two creatures provides a negative feedback loop to limit this danger. During times of low Dragon population the Unicorn population grows rapidly resulting in only slight global temperature increase, however once a threshold of Unicorn population is reached the Dragon population explodes resulting in alarming increases in global temperature. This rapid explosion of Dragon population however rapidly depletes the global Unicorn population resulting in a plateau and subsequent cooling of observable global temperatures. The interplay between the two populations as determined by a thorough literature search creates an excellent match with global temperatures. The high occurrence of both Dragons in contemporary accounts during the medieval period provides a sound explanation of the Medieval warm period. The little ice age, matches a period where again contemporary accounts report very low levels of both creatures. Moving into the modern period both Dragons and Unicorns start appearing more frequently in contemporary literature during the Victorian period, increasing towards a maximum in the late 80’s to 90’s when numerous universities record large amount of Dragon related activity – this is also reflected in popular culture of the time. The pause in global warming experienced over the last 17 years therefore can best be explained by a decline in the current global Dragon population, although if this is also related to a collapse in the Unicorn population has not yet been determined.

Unfortunately at this time we are unable, for reasons of data protect, to release either our code or raw data. However as soon as suitable authority has been acquired and Harry finishes normalising the information we hope to be able to make this data available to serious academic researchers. An initial plot of temperatures predicted by our phantasmagorical climate model as plotted against the CRUT temperature sequence is reproduced below.

Initial research into the impact of Unicorn and Dragon populations on phantasmagorical global climate change – September 2013 – Corvid, Decair, Katabasis

Anticipating that there may be some objections to the release of this initial data the research team would like to offer the initial response of:
SHUT UP because: Science.

Statement of funding: All research was funded by private donation – however the principle donor is majority funded by big oil.